Before we had a family, when my husband and I traveled, we would visit multiple cities in a single country or several countries on almost every trip. Because of the rapid pace we kept, we jokingly referred to these experiences as “forced marches.” When our kids came along, however, this changed. 

I mistakenly thought, since we were tired from the demands of raising our children, we would go on vacation and just relax—take a hiatus from our busy lives and hang out at the beach or in another idyllic setting. 

Then, during a trip to a beach community in southeastern Connecticut, our efforts to relax were interrupted by our kids arguing with each other every few minutes. They were bored and their verbal sparring was grating. 

When one of our sons took the other’s flip-flop and threw it onto the roof of the garage of the house in which we were staying, that was the last straw. For the next 10 days, we would get up each morning and drive to a new family-friendly place in our local area. The arguing mostly stopped and, at the end of the trip, we somehow felt like we’d had a break. Plus, we came to know the local area in a whole new, deeper way. 

Twelve years later, relaxing vacations still don’t work for us, and I’ve come to think of our family trips in terms of Going Shallow or Going Deep. Both are different approaches to achieving—for us at this point in our lives—nirvana for a family trip: getting a break that is sufficiently entertaining and enjoyable for everyone.

Going Shallow

Going shallow means covering as much figurative, and sometimes literal, ground as possible over the course of a vacation. It’s embarking on a European jaunt, a tour of various national parks or a cruise of a half dozen countries over a week.  

My husband and I started going shallow on our honeymoon, visiting Athens, two disparate Greek islands and Paris in about a week. That was a bit much, but we learned our limits.

Our kids can’t tolerate going shallow too often unless it’s on a cruise ship—a kid-friendly cruise made it possible for us to visit three countries and eight destinations in nine days. 

Pros: You can keep the family on the move, get a flavor for a region or continent and find places you want to visit again. 

Cons: Multiple legs can lead to added costs, sleeping in different beds can be challenging for poor sleepers and travel or medical issues can upend itineraries.

How to make it work for families: Cruise ships and rail travel can reduce travel fatigue and maximize convenience. A travel agent—or Certified Autism Travel Professional (CATP) if you’re a neurodiverse family like ours—is a luxury but also can be a vital resource both before and during the trip.

Going Deep

Going deep means venturing around a single area (e.g., city, metro area or smaller state) to gain an understanding of what makes it unique and worthwhile. This works well for our family as long as, in the words of my 13-year-old daughter, “We do it in a way that’s interesting enough to hold my attention.”

We’ve gone deep in London and Miami. Over the past few years, we’ve repeatedly gone deep in New York, having experienced all five boroughs, and in New England, having visited all six regional states over five summers.

Pros: It can be more cost-effective if you stay in rental houses and make some of your own meals. You gain a greater understanding of the people, culture and local wonders of an area. This can be particularly appealing for neurodiverse families for whom sleeping, eating and overstimulation can be a challenge.

Cons: You won’t see as much during precious vacation time, and if poor weather sets in in your immediate area, you might not be able to get out from under it.

How to make it work for families: This approach often allows you to go the house rental (a la Airbnb or VRBO) route, and state and local tourism agencies usually offer web resources on the most popular things to do in that state or area. 

Make the Most of Your Trip

For going shallow or deep, you might consider engaging your family, including kids, in the planning process by creating a visual guide—a self-developed itinerary that lays out what you might do on your vacation, along with photos. AI (e.g, ChatGPT) can largely do this for you. We create quick visual guides, and our kids often use them to choose activities that are of interest to them and to get comfortable with what we plan to do each day.

The good news is, there’s no wrong way to do a family vacation. There are advantages to both going shallow and deep. Research shows there are pluses to being busy in your downtime, and both approaches allow that, but weaving in some idle time is still an absolute must for our family.

If you take the needs and limits of each member of your family into consideration, chances are good you’ll wind up with a trip to remember and enjoy.